ED NOTE: On day two of his confirmation hearings, Brett Kavanaugh fielded questions from the Senate Judiciary Committee on abortion rights. Democrats and others are fearful that if confirmed, he would be the decisive fifth vote in pending cases that could limit abortion access. In this piece, Kwest On contributor Mizgon Zahir shares a powerful story about how the option for late term abortion helped her to make a difficult decision and ultimately saved her daughter’s life.
My body trembled one afternoon as I knelt on the dirty floor of the bathroom stall with my face parallel to the toilet and vomited. With every heave, my head felt dizzy, and my body weaker. The inside of my bones ached. I wiped my cracked bleeding lips and gargled some water. I walked back to my office in a way that would fail any sobriety test, though I was completely sober.
Since age six, I have lived with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Chronic Migraines, and as an adult, I was introduced to an additional list of diseases including Ankylosing Spondylitis, Pericarditis, Costochondritis, and many more. Basically, the white blood cells in my body are attacking me. My days are a constant battle of bringing down my pain and managing my disease so I can function as a professional, a mother, a daughter, and a wife. The symptoms of this multitude of diseases combine to feel like an elephant is crushing my chest, needles are stabbing my eyes, and like I am in a full body cast and cannot move from being stiff. When I do move, it feels like the joints in my body are being shaved by a dull razor.
I limited the treatment for my condition for six years because I was trying to get pregnant and wanted to avoid complications. Then after a pregnancy, and a year of breastfeeding, I started managing my condition with a low-dose chemotherapy drug called Methotrexate. Methotrexate is used to treat certain types of cancer or arthritis that have not responded to treatments. It works by suppressing the immune system to prevent further damage done by the disease. The side effects are miserable: nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, hair loss, drowsiness, and the list goes on. When I threw up at work, I thought it was because of the Methotrexate.
When I sat back at my desk, my colleague looked at me with a mischievous smile and said, “You’re pregnant. Go home and take a test.” I laughed nervously and responded, “There is no way. I’m on methotrexate.” And then I immediately started to Google “Pregnancy and Methotrexate.” The results were not good.
I slipped out of my office before noon that day, purchased six early pregnancy tests, went home, took the first test and waited. Two faded red lines appeared parallel to one another confirming my biggest fear. I took another test, and it was also positive. My heart sank. I was married. I owned a home. I had a great job and a supportive boss. But from the moment I found out I was pregnant, my baby came with a warning label.
Birth defects, malformations of the infant’s head, face, bones, and poor growth and developmental delays, were just a few of the complications I could face if I went ahead with the pregnancy. I had conceived a child while on a poisonous chemotherapy drug that is also used for medical abortions.
My first email following my positive pregnancy test was to my Rheumatologist. My second was to my OB-GYN. When my Rheumatologist called, her voice was somber on the other end. She was disappointed in the news, and made it clear that she wasn’t happy with me.
“Methotrexate pregnancies are not viable and we recommend termination,” she said in a very stern tone. “I hope you understand what I am saying.” She said she would do some research for me and explained some other possible birth defects: congenital heart defect, atrial septal defects, heart disease, cleft palate, hypospadias, and other bone abnormalities. I was in shock. All I heard was “termination.”
I balled into a fetal position after the call and wept. There is something incredibly powerful about being pregnant. A force develops that gives you the will to protect that little fetus growing inside at any cost. And as a woman who had experienced fertility issues, the word termination shattered me. But there are instances that a mother must make the most difficult decision of her life that sometimes defies natural instinct. After my call with my Rheumatologist, I assumed that I would have to terminate my pregnancy.
My OB-GYN knew my struggles getting pregnant with my first baby. He asked me what I wanted to do given the evidence that suggests that methotrexate pregnancies should be terminated. I told him I would do what the research suggested, but if there was any chance that we could save the pregnancy without harm, I would move heaven and earth to make it happen. That was when he told me about genetic testing and late term termination, which would give me the option to find out how my baby was developing before making the decision.
My doctor promised me he would be honest, support whatever decisions I made, and he also made it clear that he would not judge me. He went through the potential consequences of my decision to keep the baby, but then he said something that restored my commitment to suffer gracefully through a pregnancy that may result in my child’s death. “If we find anything, you will have the option to terminate the pregnancy.” Those words gave me the courage I needed to fight for my baby.
As legislators continue to try and limit the rights a woman has over her own body, they need to understand how their decisions affect women like me with chronic ailments. Simply put, this decision was made the right way. I spoke to my doctors about what my fears were. They told me what my options were and offered their professional guidance. No judge or politician should interfere with any part of that process.
The right to late term abortion saved my daughter’s life. The option was there for me, and as a result, my baby Arya is here today.
