I can’t just ‘Let it Go”: Common’s confusing message to male survivors of childhood sex abuse

In seventh grade, my best friend disclosed to me that he was molested by a family member. The abuse, which lasted for years, was over by the time he revealed it to me in a note we passed back and forth in science class. The details were horrific and sad, but my friend assured me he was okay and had “gotten over it.”

I remember feeling protective of my friend. I wanted something bad to happen to the family member who had abused him. But the most intense emotion I remember experiencing at the time was something closer to shame because I wouldn’t let myself share my own experience. 

At the time, I was struggling to come to terms with various types of abuse, including sexual, that were fresh for me. I wasn’t over anything. I felt defensive and judged because my friend was able to discuss his abuse like one would talk about breaking an arm: it was unpleasant, but far from devastating. 

I didn’t tell him my own story for a long time. 

I felt pangs of similar emotions this week when rapper/actor Common joined the growing number of celebrities who have gone public about surviving sexual abuse and assault. Common recently released his second memoir, Let Love Have the Last Word, and in it, he discloses that he was molested by a family friend when he was a young boy.

Common, now 47, is on a press tour to promote the book. In every interview and on social media, the Grammy, Emmy, and Oscar-award winner has explained his choice to share such a personal and painful experience with the world.  On Twitter, he posted, “I talked about being molested because, as a Black man, many men have hidden that. Many people have hidden that. And you carry that weight with you. But, at some point you’ve got to let it go.”

He further wrote, “I hope being open about my childhood can give others the strength to do the same and help them on their healing journeys. We all have experienced pain and suffering. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” 

Common revealed that memories of his abuse surfaced two years ago when he was rehearsing a scene for the HBO film, “The Tale” with Laura Dern. In that movie, which is based on a true story, Common plays the partner of a woman coming to terms with her own childhood sexual abuse.  

I agree that it is absolutely necessary for men to discuss sex abuse and rape openly in order to remove the stigma. It is important for male survivors to know they aren’t alone. To that end, Common’s openness is commendable. His comments about survivors needing support to heal from trauma and saying there is nothing shameful about using mental health treatment as a tool for healing are right on the money. 

However, there’s something about this that feels too neat or processed. Maybe it’s because this conversation is happening in the context of selling books, and maybe because it’s Common, but it doesn’t feel relatable to me. 

Healing from trauma is a messy affair. I don’t know that any one ever “lets go” of being molested or raped. I don’t know any survivors who simply didn’t think about their abuse for nearly three decades, confronted it for the first time in a creative setting (with Laura Dern), and then turned it into a book, presenting their journey as essentially complete. 

Well into adulthood, marriage and fatherhood, my friend from seventh grade is still uncovering ways his abuse has impacted him and his relationships. He wasn’t over it when he told me he was. 

As helpful as it is to have a celebrity like Common share his journey to remove shame around this issue, sharing this experience to sell a book isn’t the same as being open. Being open requires intimacy. Mere disclosure isn’t intimacy. 

A simple declaration that there are men who survived isn’t enough. Men need to start having meaningful conversations about surviving sex abuse. We have to begin sharing openly not only that we survived, but whatwe survived, and how.